7 Happy Jobs for a Depression
Posted on October 15, 2008
Happy days are here again, we just don’t know it yet. A depression could be just the thing to elevate our battered spirits. No more arguing whether the glass is half-empty or half-full. The glass is broken, ok? But press your nose into the shards and breathe in freedom’s air. The gloom-and-doomers might say otherwise, frighten us with their scary statistics—25% unemployment in 1932. But let’s be clear about the facts: Most experts are whiners. In the real America, Hannity’s part, they’ll shoot their supper with a musket and cook it on an open spit. (They’ve been practicing for years in Michigan.) And the rest of us will slowly adapt. There are many new industries ready to boom; jobs that not only will fill our pockets, but help us rebuild America into the greatest Chinese-owned nation in the world. Consider as alternatives:
1. Dumpster Diving Instructor: The next big thing at The Learning Annex. Can you stylishly furnish public housing with garbage from a Detroit alley? Can you make a non-lethal five star brunch with discarded supermarket shrimp? Or maybe you’ve written a mapping program that pinpoints high concentrations of cans. An ideal job for unemployed brokers, dumpster divers are shrewd, resourceful, able to seize the moment, and experts at cooking meat on a stick.
2. Soup Manufacturer: How high-tech has the world become? So much that we’re coming full circle. Soup, yes soup, could be the Mac of the 21st century. Just last week, analysts weren’t pushing Apple—they were pushing Campbell’s. At only eighty-nine cents for a can of hot, tomato-paste love, you couldn’t ask for a more cost-effective meal. Plus somebody has to make the gruel for the glut of soon-to-be-opening soup kitchens.
3. Walmart Greeter: Admit it, you’re intrigued. You see them in their little vests, dead expression on their faces, as customers wander through like cattle, hour-after-hour. “Welcome to Walmart…Welcome to Walmart…Welcome to Walmart…” You get the picture. But what about the sunny side? This is a perfect job for actors, who are used to starving anyway. Don’t merely greet customers, offer them performance pieces! Or sharpen your character work at work. Before lunch, you’re Oscar, with a fervence for chihuahuas and The Passion of the Christ. After lunch, you’re Klaus, gay German Nihilist. “Velcome to Valmart…Velcome to Valmart.”
4. High-End Box Manufacturer: We’ll have to live somewhere, won’t we? But where? Why not in the triple-corrugated comfort of a roomy double-wide? Refrigerator boxes lack character. Moving boxes are a slim fit. What we need is a level of cardboard luxury presently lacking. Bigger, roomier, waterproof. The sky’s the limit with this business.
5. Locksmith: A profession that’s experiencing true growth, no joke this time. If you’d enjoy changing locks on foreclosed homes, a locksmith career might open some doors. Want to make some scratch on the side? Sell empty locations to squatters. No need to make a key, just leave the side door open.
6. Hobo Fashionista: Haute couture? Maybe not. But if you can make magic from a warehouse of potato sacks, this might be the chance you’ve long been waiting for. Become the Yves Saint Laurent of burlap; put a Chanel spin on bindles; reinvent tramp. Then market your designs to effete Beverly Hills clientele, who’ll pay exorbitant amounts just to fit in with the rest of us.
7. Discount Psychologist: Peanuts might have been onto something. Lucy Van Pelt’s five cent therapy service has all the legs to be the next eBay. Economic depressions are fertile ground for those needing cheap, semi-professional help. Which makes Lucy the next Meg Whitman—which means Lucy could be the next Treasury Secretary. You think things are bad for you? Schroeder is so-ooo getting audited.
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This story is very biting (excuse the pun). Right on point.
As this is October 15 and the last day to file your US Federal and State Income Tax on time, the image I got in my head of Schroeder in #7 really brought a grin to my face! Oh boy! Lucy at the IRS, now that’s really scary!
Oh well. Beach bum…beach hobo…what’s the difference except maybe you now will have a real ocean front property with a view of the stars from underneath your palm frond roof. Worse things in life I could think of…Can the hobo fashionistas do a line of beachware too. Funny and timely story. We all need a bit of a laugh.
Very pointed satire of the unfortunate times we are living in. Who’d have thunk we would be talking about a possible depression (and a global one at that) if things don’t turn around in 2009? Never thought it would happen in my lifetime; however, maybe I’ll take a 2nd look at the list to see if I can figure out my next “job”.