“Gimme…Gimme”
Posted on April 12, 2008
 By Katrina Elder
It’s decided. I’m banning Whole Foods. I’m tired of the abuse. Tired of feeling guilty after every shopping trip, or having to pretend I care when, really, I don’t. It’s not because their prices are astronomical or their claims are false. It’s not even because the tiny parking lot maze they created causes more problems than it solves. No, I’m banning Whole Foods because I’m tired of being attacked by the clipboard-wielding guilt mongers that plant themselves strategically outside the exit and play on your conscience as you walk to your hybrid armed only with one measly $50 bag of produce. It’s not a fair fight, I tell you!
How am I supposed to feel when you ask me if I have time for abused children or if I care about global warming? Of course, I don’t want bunnies to go blind or polar bears to become homeless, but seriously, how was I supposed to know about the dolphins becoming deaf? You’ve profiled me. You know by my choice of grocery stores that I have a conscience. You know that I put my money where my mouth is when it comes to finding solutions to the many problems our world faces. You have the advantage. What weapon do I have in this fight? I am forced to sign your stupid petition and put money into your already lined pockets.
Yeah, that’s right, I’m on to you. You with your PETA tee shirt and your leather Converse, your dread-locked hair and your gas-guzzling VW bus. I know you get paid per signature. I know you’re really just a “petition circulator” and not a volunteer. Wetlands. Global Warming. Net Neutrality. The Water Shortage. Black Holes. Plastic Bags. The Grey Wolf. The Boreal Forest. Nuclear Smuggling. What will my signature do for you tomorrow?
Please, just leave me in peace. Let my conscience have a rest for one night. Can’t you see I feel badly enough after spending twice what I would have at Ralph’s in order to feel better about the previous life of my skinless, boneless breast of chicken?
Really, all I want to do right now is get home to my pint of melting Häagen-Dazs Dolce de Leche and my bottle of Rhône red and forget. Forget about the hypocrisy that we’re both foolishly playing into and the lies I just can’t quite bring myself to believe.
Katrina Elder is a writer and performer in Hollywood, California. Check out her blog, Stages of Drudgery and Triumph at http://drudgeryandtriumph.blogspot.com/
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Bravo…Could not have said it better myself. I used to sign all the petitions until I found out they weren’t volunteers. These weren’t people who felt passionately about their cause. They were just being paid per signature. Now I agree I feel guilty when I pass by petitions that my heart tells me I should sign, but then I think of what we pay our politicians for and say to myself…do your job, don’t pass the buck back to the people and above all else, don’t let what should be a people’s process be perverted yet again by power and greed.
There’s two exits to Whole Foods. Every time I’m there, I think today’s the day I go out the front exit. By the time I leave I find myself in a rush and head out the side exit. Free and clear to my hybrid.